I was watching Evil Dead 2 this morning because I only caught the latter half of the film on Halloween and I wanted to revisit Ash and his problems with outer demons. What I took away from watching the first half of the movie was empathy. Poor Ash has the unluckiest love life. Every woman he falls for becomes possessed by demons. What’s he supposed to do with that? He’s gotta dismember them once they go demon, and (I can tell) he feels really bad about it. Some couples have trust issues…others have deadites.
I’ve been mulling over the idea of returning to school…again…for a second Master’s degree. On the one hand, I’m thinking, yeah, I love to learn, let’s just go get some more education. On the other hand,I’m thinking, no, why bother. If I can’t get a job in my career field with a bachelor’s and a master’s, then what good is another piece of paper going to do? Especially one in soomething like “Library Science.” Is being a librarian such a brain bender that you’ve got to have a degree to do the job? Probably not. Just like journalism or education, you could probably do the job with some technical training. But, my word, the red tape system of higher education would be out of business!
On the other, other hand…Oh, wait I’m out of hands here….(Go go English!) Furthermore, these students at the table next to me, thigh deep in Owl Purdue and APA style guides, quibbling over the necessity of title pages, hardly make the idea of pursuing a degree just out of boredom gleam any more fantastic. In all honesty, (perhaps it’s wrong to admit) I enjoy having the time to write and read and go to parties and wallow in my 20’s on a mid-week off day. Sure, taking shit from frappe-toting teenagers and prim business men is not ideal, especially since they all assume I didn’t go to school and/or have no real thoughts besides asking for cream in their coffee. But I’ve done 9 to 5 as a journalist, and going to bed earlyand wedding planning is not all it’s chalked up to be. The only reason I was happy then was because I was writing and I was naive to believe I was “using my education to build my life!”
Ken says I’m a cynic, but I think I’m actually quite optimistic about most things. I’m just trying to be a realist these days. A dream job or a dream guy is only going to make me happy for as long as the newness lasts. There’s got to be a deeper satisfaction there. I know this because I’ve had this satisfaction for brief stints. As a journalist, I had a job I loved and felt utilized my talents. I got laid off because the paper was tiny and poor and I was the newbie. I had satisfacation in a long term relationship with a real reliable partner. But that dissolved this year because reasons and life and stuff. Oh, Beatles, if it really was true that love is all you need, then how much happier we could all be. I digress, tangent aside, point is, I’m dubious of more education to solve my current quicksand life position. In all honesty, I’m dubious of anything pulling me from the rut besides myself. A relationship isn’t really what I’m looking for as freedom and lonliness are actually nice side effects of being alone. Oh, and fulfillment in children? Forgetaboutit. The neighbor asked yesterday when I was going to help my parents with grandchildren. I told him I’m working on that one, you know, finding a boyfriend…small steps. The bitter venom in my tone even made the family pet cringe and duck and cover.
I know my story isn’t anything new though. All 20 something generation y-ers are going through similar existential angst. I mean, even the bulletproof Lanksalot is riddled with self-doubt, almost constant anxiety about his future, mild insecurity at how boring he believes himself to be, and paces the room frequently for no apparent reason at all. I suppose growing up on Disney and everyone telling us we could be whatever we wanted, that we all could become famous and happy if we tried hard enough, has caused this. Because, really, we can’t all be in Forbes and People, can we? There’s got to be teachers and baristas and waitresses and home goods sales people. Maybe at some point you don’t neccessarily “settle” into your role in society and your “real life” as a grown up so much as you become satisfied with what you have and what you earn and how things are. Thoughts, readers?
Poor Ash. He just wanted a relaxing weekend with the girl. The lesson I will take from this is that you just have to enjoy it while it lasts. Even when “it” is just a weeklong vacation or a cup of coffee or a cute boy with social anxiety who goes to a b-movie with you and holds your hand…even if he calls your short and passable afterwards. Well, we didn’t get to hallucinogens this blog Readers but stay tuned. I plan to share some horrible vignettes from Red with you. Contain your excitment until then!