Writing isn’t working today. I feel so unexplainably agitted. Is it because I’d like to clean my car up, but it’s cold outside? Is it because I’m tired and drained? Is this music too loud in thie coffee shop, and my thoughts frozen because I’m essentially drinking hot water instead of lovely hot brew? And then there’s that guy on the other end of the coffee shop, whose eyes are darting across me and every person in the room because he’s got that inspiration and that caffiene buzz and it’s working for him. I can tell that whatever he’s got on that screen is working for him. He stops and takes a sip of coffee, adjusts his headphones and delves back in. Maybe the block comes from the regular in my coffee shop who is now in this one. It’s a free country but I’m having a time concentrating when I think about him being over there with lady who is the ex of a friend. Oh my drama.
I think my next read will have to be Freud’s “Interpretation of Dreams.” Campbell has referenced it and the importance of dreams as a means of information about your spiritual (non-religious) self. He says that dreams are important to record and write down what the ideas in them remind you of or how you view them because it may not neccessarily have to do with the thing you are dreaming about but it can be a thought of interest on an issue you are unconciously needing to find some solution or thought to. He suggests writing down the dream and then taking a fraction of that or one or two images or ideas and write down what comes to your mind in relation to these images. Because these are things that are influencing you even if you don’t know they are.
So here’s last night’s dream. I have a co-worker who is very obviously into me. I’m not trying to make myself feel good with this. It just is. And I’m his boss, and furthermore, I’m don’t find him attractive. But last night, I dreamed he was at my house and we were having a sleep over of some kind. He looked inside my fridge and commented on my food in there, saying it smelled. Now, I’d just bought groceries and so I was offended, but I lifted up a plastic bag in the crisper drawer and out came a roach, scuttling along the fridge, out, up the wall and disappearing.
It’s always disturbing to see a roach. They are dirty and unclean, and are attracted to to similar circumstances. Nobody wants that. Perhaps I feel that something close to me or inside me is dirty or unclean? I needed to take a shower this morning and I thought about that as I laid down, so that may be your simple answer. But, why would this co-worker be exposing this “dirty little secret,” residing on a supposedly fresh tomato, to me? Earlier that day a friend had posted a status about not liking tomatoes or onions.
Also, in this dream, I was in my pajamas. But the pajamas I wear when I’m alone…which is an oversized t-shirt and panties. So, this person who is attracted to me and openly says things about how “amazing” he finds me, was running around my house, calling me out on roaches while I was embarassed about my dirty fridge, standing almost naked in front of him.
Nakedness is insecurity about an issue, I think. I know there is a sense of that every time I have to be scantily clad at the beach or whatnot. Or maybe there’s a part of me that wants to be exposed in front of someone who seems to value the package I’m putting out there.
Also, in the dream, the co-worker said an insult to me, but it was obviously from the movie Anchorman. I’m able to quote this movie pretty much on demand. So I fired back the next insult line at him from Veronica Corningstone’s dialogue. Apparently, I slightly stumbled on the last word of saying, “You look like a blueberry.” And co-worker called me on it and embarrassed me agian.
Now, here is the embarassment thing again. Three times in one dream. It’s starting to seem like I’m worried about being embarrassed in front of someone who admires or is attracted to me. That’s pretty legitimate. I do want to seem intelligent and well…flawless in front of a potential love interest. As long as my brain isn’t trying to tell me that going for this co-worker is a good idea. Because it’s not. Abort. No matter how nice and personable he may be, dating a co-worker is not my bag, baby. And again, he is not attractive to me. He’s also not very educated. I’m gonna need someone who can carry a conversation with me, and if I can be a little conceited (go ahead Anna) I’m at a level of intelligence that requires a bit of work to impress.
Anyway, that was the dream. Today was just kind of bland and I can’t get the words to co-operate at the moment. The only other thing to say is to comment on Ken’s love life. I hope Ken doesn’t mind.
Ken is single. And Ken laments this fact. Usually I lament right alongside Ken, but today I offered another perspective…the one I’d gained yesterday. I told Ken the best advice I could give when it comes to dating is to give up. Love and relationships come best when unbidden. You’ll more than likely fall into it when you’re headed for some other destination. I suggested getting wrapped up in life as much as possible so that love and relationships are almost an afterthought. There’s so much more to know and discover than a person’s phone number is what I’m trying to say. I’ve had a lot of fun with Lanks, but when I’m honest about it, what we have is not really a relationship and it’s going to get more terminally causual from this point. And it’s fine…it’s all fine. Zen, baby, zen. There’s someone out there who is coming for me and I’ve only got to open myself to that when it comes. Or perhaps there’s not someone, and I’m just destined to watch and write it all down. I’m good with that too. All I’m saying is that really and truly, I give up. Next time I think about making the first move, I’m going to hold back and accept the freefall of what happens, happens. Because people are so wrapped up in themselves that when they notice you first, it truly is a miracle, I think.
Furthermore, perhaps the reason Ken can’t find a Steady is that many people think we are dating. Perhaps because we are always sharing space, as friends are wont to do, I’m told. I’m here to anonymously clear this all up. Ken and I are friends. The best of friends. But we would literally kill one another if we were to relationship. We are there in a friend capacity and are very greatful for each other, I’m sure, but yeah, no dice.
Final note. I never really imagined I’d be that “crazy feminist” type that everyone seems to fear so much, but I reached a new level today. I am working on naming my car, because such things are done. I took a few suggestions for names from the Facebook and they were all feminine names. The feminist in me wants to post a status about how I won’t be naming my car a feminine name because it always seems like objects are always given feminine names, thus perpetuating in small part the cycle of associating women with things to be objectified. Therefore, I will be naming my car something masculine to go spread the objectification around. Plus, my car is a dude. That’s how I roll.
I won’t rant on FB, but just so everyone knows, the opportunity was there. My efforts to change the mentality of people towards feminists prohibits me from going all uber-strict on something that I’m going to classify as trivial. It’s just interesting to note that when an object needed to be named, it was all lady names. That’s why you can’t tell me that feminism is unneccessary.
Well, enough jaw exercise for today. I’m out!
-Anna R. Kotopple