Perspective is an interesting thing. I see the world through this set of eyes and that’s all. No matter how many times I try to place myself in another person’s world, it’s really only going to be a secondhand glance at their world. And that’s just the way it is. It doesn’t mean you stop trying to relate to people, because then you close yourself in a self-centered existence…and I mean if that works for you, then that’s great. There’ s a lot more out there though, and it doesn’t hurt to see how the other half lives, so to speak.
Oh, Anna, why are you being so cryptic and philosophical? Well, readers, I’m feeling good. Actually, I’m feeling amazing. In this moment, I’m feeling that everything is in its right place and is heading in a beautiful direction. The cynic in me says that it could change as soon as I walk out these coffee shop doors, and most likely another round of gore is surely on its way. But right now feels pretty perfect. And the amazing thing is, that nothing is so different from normal, I just feel like I’ve shifted perspective and it’s a good shift.
I’ve worked a 9-hr day today, yes. I want a new job and to keep pushing for publishing and improvement and I’ve got a ways to go on almost everything. And I got up early, and I slung coffee all day, but also I now have a working vehicle that is new and beautiful. I don’t even care about the 20,000 miles, two wrecks and key scrape on the side it’s waded through to get to me. I don’t even care that I have a car payment now for the first time in my life. I am happy to have something nice, and to be building credit towards a future house purchase and happy to be sounding like an adult who has their stuff together.
For the past two hours, I have been catching up with my friend who just got engaged. And she, along with this step in the adult direction with car buying, has given me such a high and thrill of understanding and enlightenment. I’ve had an epiphany you might say. She came bearing the job application for the used bookstore she works at, but also a casual sort of happiness that seems attainable. She and I were best friends for several years before drifting apart through the natural progression of growing up, but essentialy she and I have came from the same place.And now she is engaged to a handsome young man, who is almost through with a useful degree, who values her and her disregard for gender roles, who has beat the odds against long-distance relationships to swoop in and show her what a partner should be. All fantasy prince-qualities aside, when she says that things are so simple and easy with him that she’s been able to agree to marriage when she never imagined it heading in that direction, it strikes a chord. It’s been a relatively short engagement for them, but I’m very happy for them, because I know her and I see how she’s found something so wonderful in an unassuming way.
I’ve heard this story recently with a co-worker as well. It gives hope to me that things will be when they will be, and no amount of coersion on my part will make it accelerate or flow better. After struggling so fiercly for the past year to make sense of the ruins of my own failed relationship, I am beginning to see why it didn’t work and it wouldn’t have ever worked, if I’d stuck it out another 4 years or another 40.
“Oh, I can smile about it now, but at the time it was terrible.”-The Smiths “Shakespeare’s Sister”
It was pretty much like that line. It smacks of a very novel train of events so I’ll parade them about this once for you.In October of last year, I realized I was deeply unhappy and I told my significant other so. It wasn’t neccessarily his fault, but things weren’t working for…reasons. I issued the ultimatum of get it together or I’m gone. He filed bankruptcy and was trying to get it together. His car was repossessed on Christmas Day. I’ve never cried so hard. Over the next few months, sharing a car, the life we had deteriorated. He fell asleep in the restaurant we were at on Valentine’s day. We broke up on my birthday. He didn’t come to my party. He kept living with me for three more months as I continued to be supportive of him finding his way up and out. I was evicted from the apartment because the lease was up and the owners wanted to remodel my apartment. He was fired from work and arrested the next day and went to jail for a (perhaps) misunderstanding at his job with discounts and his manager numbers. Between all this, we got moved out. He left a snowglobe with our picture in it on the counter, and also a music box that I had once given him. I sent him a card on his birthday. We haven’t spoken since then. It doesn’t really matter how long ago that’s been. It’s felt like years. The person I was then is no longer.
The point is, I can feel myself be healed of these wounds that were self and otherwise inflicted from my time in a relationship that simply couldn’t/wouldn’t be. And I’m ok with it. It’s taken a while to say that. But I feel mentally sound again, and….brace yourself world…I’m happy. The girl whose favorite band is The Smiths, who wears all black, and whose favorite movie is “10 Things I Hate About You” is happy. And she’s happy to live alone with her pet toad. Lanks can do whatever he wants. Ask me out or not. I’m fine either way, because if things develop into something serious between us then it’s because there was no other alternative. Love and life finds a way and there’s no controling that. It’s a freeing bit of information I’ve had to traverse hell and the line between sane and insane to get to. I wish I could give it to you as simple as that, but perhaps it’s something you have to go through and gain that perspective on your own. Some things just are. All I know is that, as much as I’ve bemoaned this year as dealing me a rough hand, it has done me right in giving me this perspective and the knowledge that I can live alone, I can be my own person and I won’t wither into nothing. When I’m pushed into the deep end, I’ll learn to swim. I’m going to try and remember this when things go wrong and the coffee buzz wears thin. But I can feel the change occuring within myself and outside my world and I’m so damn excited about it. Please, change, I’m ready for you. Take me where you may.
And so now I’m about the head to dinner. To call and comfort a friend who is going through the thick of it. To call my father and gush about my lovely new car. To be. Because, it’s so easy not to be. And it hardly sounds like any fun. I’m ready for fun and being and existence and writing and music and dance and lapping up my 20’s like a man dying of thirst. I’m excited about my best friend’s wedding which I am a bridesmaid in. I am thrilled that my former best friend and I have connected and I’m going to get to see her start her life with a wonderful guy. I’m alive…and I’m stoked.
-Anna R. Kotopple