My Secret Blog

An update of sorts for readers of my so-called “secret blog.” I’ve apparently got a potential suitor out there searching for this blog and so perhaps it’s foolhardy to post things concerning him, but you know what…I set up this blog so that I could have a place where I would be compelled to put my honest throughts down without worrying about backlash, so…there. 

My reason for returning to the blog after a brief hiatus is, of course, to gripe. I have worked at my job as a cafe manager for two years. I’m pretty good at my job actually. And now this has come back to bite me. I have an assistant who has been training to take over my position so I can move up to a higher manger position within the company, and she also helps me keep the cafe running. The problem is she is inept at her job. 

Well, it turns out, the higher powers that be found out that she is quite good on the other departments, while being quite terrible in the cafe from a management standpoint. So intead of punishment for not excelling at her position, they are moving her to another department…leaving me without assistance and without someone to take my spot so I can move up…therefore delaying my promotion indefinitely. Not that I really believed they wanted to move me up anyway. It’s pretty much the last straw. As much as I enjoy barista work, I’m going to be looking for ANY kind of work in order to leave this place. While I would like to get something in my degree fields, at this point I’m not going to be picky with new employment so long as it pays the bills. Me holding this cafe place together only to have wrench after wrench thrown into my plans has just made me decide my hard work will be best suited elsewhere. I recently started work at a florist as holiday help and so, if nothing else, I have this outlet to pursue. 

My great grandmother was a florist and I’ve always enjoyed the amatuer arrangements I have made on my own. I am hoping I can gain some skills and perhaps move up in the business to be a florist of some calibur. Learning things like trade skills are very valuable, because you can always fall back on these things that involve a degree of specialized training and crafting things, because some people just don’t have the aptitude for these things OR would rather pay someone to do a highly specialized job, rather than do it thenmselves and worry with it for the time it takes to learn all the nuances of the work. Not to say that I’m not stressed as all get out with learning a difficult and time intensive line of work during the already helter skelter holiday season which allows me to work 6 days a week with no recompense on my salaried status. Tis glorious. 

And now a quick word on my new suitor. After the debacle with Lanks, I decided to just stop dating. Just stop. This is why I applied for the second job at the florist, so that I could fill my time away from 40 hours a week of coffee and not dwell on these things. Well, of course, as soon as I got the florist job, I ran into an old friend at the used bookstore. YES READERS, the same used bookstore I have considered applying to as well ast he same used bookstore that Stumps acted like a great ape in that day with me. This bookstore keeps resurfacing, which leads me to believe employment there might not be such a bad thing. 

As usual, I digress. I ran into this old friend whilst Ken and I were shopping for movies. As I walked around the store with Ken and…let’s call him Craig, we caught up a bit about what had happened since we had last seen each other. I’ve known Craig for about five years and he’s an intelligent, gregarious sort of fellow. He does interesting stuff like explore abandoned buildings and he says interesting things about movies and books. I think we can all agree he’s pretty interesting. 

And so, when Ken encouraged me to take a ride with Craig to get some dinner, I hesitated…fumbled about in a stunning manner and then ceded to the peer pressure. I can’t say I was disappointed. Craig and I share a lot of interests and he’s already bought me a movie, dinner, and asked me on a date to a popular tourist trap that has several strains of impressive Christmas lights. What more could a girl want?!? But honestly, I accepted the date because I think he’s a decent sort and I deserve a decent sort of date after shennanigans. So why is Anna fussing about you may ask? 

Well, I don’t hold this against Craig, but he’s been married before (I went to the wedding too) and he has a young son. Craig, son, and I hung out last night actually. It was quite fun with movie watching and pizza and playing with son. But. (there’s always one of those isn’t there?) I just don’t know if I’m ready to get into something that has such a big string attached. Call me selfish, but I enjoy being free to come and go as I please and to take care of myself and my needs. I actually struggle to do all this. It takes an effort just to survive and bode on my own happiness. How am I to secure the happiness, well-being and needs to another person…not just another person, but two people: one a man and one a boy? It’s almost akin to finding out that I’m going to have a child myself and will have to provide for this new human’s needs and wants. I am interested to know how other people in this situation respond. My bestie, who is getting married soon, is marrying a guy who has a young son the same age as Craig’s, and so I guess I’ve got someone to ask if Craig and I continue to enjoy each other’s company. 

All I’m saying is that this new development with Craig is something very adult, and potentially thorny. People are sensitive about their children, and bringing an outsider into the mix is thin ice. I’m usually all for tap dancing on some dangerous ground, but I’m trying to use my brain these days and think things out. As it is, so far, I have decided to take my time about this, think it out, communicate, and not put myself in an uncomfortable situation that will not work out to my satisfacation of the needs I am trying to fulfill. Easier said than done, but it’s something new and I am going to ride the ride and try it out. Hey, more writing experience! I joke about it, but it’s true. 

The other update is a little late, and already resolved, but perhaps it’s worth mentioning. Rachaelle is getting married on new year’s eve and I’m absolutely thrilled for her and her hubby. They are a couple that makes me believe in couples. They each have their separate issues, but they work together to advance their team, and at the same time they maintain their individuality beautifully. I aspire to be a couple like them one day. That being said, planning her wedding shower almost gave me a nervous breakdown. 

I consider myself a bit of a good planner, but I dropped the ball on this one. The shower turned out well enough I suppose, and Rachaelle was happy so that’s what matters, but I felt like a total failure. The shower games were lame and awkward, I couldn’t make it to the grocery store to pick up the main dish for the food, and I was insulted/assaulted  by at least three shower guests. The grandmother of the bride decided to take over the shower once everyone arrived and took the box of matches away from me as I was trying to light candles as well as told me to pretty much buzz off when I tried to get guests up and started fixing their food plates. She also told me I couldn’t wear Converse with my dress at the wedding, although these shoes had already been approved by bride and groom. Two other guests corrected my pronunciation of the used local bookstore (there it is again!) and made me feel lower than ever, and so, as soon as the shower disbanded, I got into my car, drove home and cried. I’m sure it’s just stress and being involved with a wedding a bit close to a series of unfortunate breakups, but still…

But hey, that’s past and we are moving on. Soon Rachelle will walk down the aisle and the holiday season will be over and I’ll have some kind of job that does something. There will always be the writing there. I’ve promised myself that, and that keeps me sane. And, big points for Craig as he is reading my latest published book. Read my writing, and even if you hate it, I’ve got to give you some props for caring that much. And so, Craig, if you have found “secret blog” and are reading, congrats for making this sad, sappy writer girl smile as she (per usual) hopes for the best.

-Anna R. Kotopple 

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