For Real

Time for another shocking confession. I don’t want to say that I’ve been neccessarily being untrue to you readers, but I’ve been doing a bit more fiction as opposed to fact as I’ve been blogging. In my diffence, I think I was just hoping that if I got exited enough about something that was partially true or rather not very true at all, then it would become true. Unfortunately things don’t work that way. The way things appear, are usually the way they are. If it smells like a fish, then it’s probably a fish. 

I wanted a relationship with Lanks. It seems that he didn’t want to be anyone’s man. He just wanted someone to play with as Kevin Barnes says in a favorite song of mine from the wonderful Skeletal Lamping album. The texts I send him go unanswered or are returned with condescention lately. I’ve no time to deal with someone who wants to patronize me and try to make me feel worthless. When someone says they don’t want to hurt you, but they do it anyway, almost on a religious basis, you’ve got to care about yourself enough to draw the line in the sand and be your own best friend. Love and respect yourself, and follow your bliss. It can’t be all bad if you stick to that. 

Other than all that, I had another 9-hr day. There was a store meeting today. I got up and made an Anchorman joke. I talked about coffee. I  made lots of drinks. I got frazzled by a couple of scam artists. I got asked to a movie. I walked the mall. Life goes on. 

Sure, I can’t exactly think of verbs and nouns to make it all seem interesting. And I’m having trouble finding a point in explaining them anyway. People live and things happen to them. Why do we want to hear about someone else’s day when ours is just as blaise?

I’m watchinig the 50th anniversary special of Doctor Who, and hoping to find some inspiration. How does one find such a great villian as a Dalek?  What rich mythos do we have to invoke to make a story that rings true with the masses? It’s characters that make these things, I think. If you have a good character, who’s funny , and intelligent, and determined, then they endear themselves to qualites we have or wish we had. 

How about a character who is known for a certain style. Converse and a leather wristband and plaid. Give the character catchprhases that are quirky and lovable. and somehow, make them a little tragic. We identify with the suffering of others, and their desires that go unfulfilled. Let them pine for someone who they can’t be with. Make them sacrifice everything for a dream that benefits the world but not themselves. We’ll say, ain’t it a shame, but we will remember this character and love them for these things they do. 

Here’s some real irony for you. The first mix cd I ever sent to Lanks via mail I titled “Arcadia.” I named it after our first date spot, the arcade. I didn’t know that it is also the site of the final battle on Galifry of the time war in Doctor Who. Lanks is a massive fan. He must have imagined I was referencing this, when, in truth, I only learned of the connection today. Quite a funny thing life can be.

It’s 7:30 at night and it feels like it’s later than midnight. I feel like my brain keeps circling the facts and coming up with error messages. It feels like something is bigger on the inside, and I’m only seeing the small outside of it. I can’t be bothered to make sense. 

What kind of a person would drop everything to follow a silly professor/adventurer in a blue police box across time and space? To be a companion, I think you’ve got to have curiosity, but also a desire to leave everything you know to seek out something that’s missing. I’m formally submitting my application to be a companion. I need a Doctor to show me that missing part of self. I may have to be my own Doctor, and that’s something I can come to terms with. I’ve given up almost everything of the life I was living at this time last year, and I’ve entered a new time. I can go anywhere and be anyone I need to be. I just need to discover something about my world, myself, and other worlds in this process. 

I’m ready to hear that wheezing, clanking sound of hope. If only escape could be so easy. Perhaps we are all drawn to stories that offer us this kind of promise of escape. Campbell is the one suggesting we be as present as possible in our realities, lapping up the experiences we counter and lathering ourselves in the detail of the mundane as much as the magnificent. We need a character that does both of these things for us. They need to help us out of our rutted existence and simultaneously to enjoy our now, connecting with those who share similar wanderlust and housecat mentality.

No matter the journey we are on, we know too that our character will have to reach the end of her or his adventure at some point as well. Endings are bittersweet. If our character is metaphorically returning home in a sense, we can be happy for them if they take this trip with grace. (Trenzalore anyone?) So maybe I’ll just ask for grace in my journey. I hope that I’ve reached the beginning of the good part of the journey. At any rate, I think I’ve at least started the path. When you follow your bliss, you meet others on the path that share this said concept. Perhaps I’ve got it all twisted around in the timey-whimey of things. Maybe I’m the time lord and my companion is just waiting for me to land and settle myself.  

-Anna R. Kotopple